On Relationships

I’m no expert but I think I know a few things about making a marriage/long-term relationship work.

1. Trust is foundational. Not just trust that someone is not sleeping with a person outside of your relationship without your consent but trust that your partner cares for you and wishes you no harm. This should be the case regardless of if the relationship is moving forward or untangling.

2. There must be a desire to maintain clear channels of communication. No withholding to lord power over the other.

3. No one exists on this planet to be a martyr and there certainly should not be one in a relationship.

4.. No matter how connected you are to your significant(s), your realities are separate. This means the stories you are telling are likely to be different.

5. When you take breakup off the table, you open your relationship up to a whole slew of negotiations and world-building, not to mention all parties are then able to respond authentically. In this scenario, tears are just tears, not a game-changer. Let folks cry.

6. Do no harm. When a person tells you your tone is harmful or off-putting, do not assume they are deflecting. Some people really cannot hear or listen if your tone is triggering. Apologize, self-correct and continue stating your case.

Buffalo

Go to the grocery store.

All out of milk.

Is the formula on sale?

How long is the line?

Self-checkout is on the fritz.

Damn, let me get out of line to get those eggs.

If I forget the flour, she’s going to kick up a fuss.

Man, I hope I have enough on this gift card.

I will put half on the debit and half cash to make it stretch.

What was that?

Car backfiring?

That’s screaming. Duck. Get low.

Where is the door?

Why am I wet?

Please, Lord, make it stop.

Please.

Lord.

Make.

It.

Stop.

Stand with Women

Audre Lorde was quite clear-eyed when she said there are no single-issue struggles because we do not live single-issue lives.

Roe v Wade argued on privacy. This win for women set the stage to argue for same-sex marriage as a private matter.

Do away with the gains from Roe, we set the stage to do away with same-sex marriage.

Abortion is health care. Health care is a civil right, like same-sex marriage.

It always pays to stand with women.”

Friction: A Meditation

Her first sensation was of burning.

Her first smell was blood and searing ash in her nostrils.

Her first words were a scream.

Her first movement was to escape.

Her first dress was made of bundles of sticks, spiking the heels beneath her feet.

Her first thought was freedom.

So, she danced in the flames, spinning and churning, fully aware of the fact that she, as a human, was primarily made of water.

She grew her ocean under the tutelage of the great mother moon.

Using her essence to turn fire into steam and then into sweet, soft air.

Purified by friction.”

Black Girls With Knives

Black girls wield knives against a world that points machetes, guns, barbed wire bats, acidic words and scorn at them from all sides. We reach for what is near us to protect us and rarely are the closest things within our grasp items of comfort or innocence.

And We Fight

The first time I voted in a presidential election, the dude I voted for won. It was exhilarating. I and my college bestie were so excited to be old enough to vote we watched the results together and partied… as you do in college. And we fight.

In my next election, the dude I voted for won but the Supreme Court gave it to the other guy. The day we protested and took over the bleachers and ruined the other guy’s big party was fun and heartbreaking. And we fight.

One of the hardest elections I participated in the dude I voted for not only didn’t win — I also had to watch state upon state putting in a referendum on gay marriage that said I and my friends were second class citizens undeserving of protection and benefits. This while I was emceeing a parody defense of marriage drag show at Center Stage dressed as Jesus. As state upon state said me and my friends weren’t worthy, I saw tears, queer couples holding each other, and smug pundits saying their nothings. That election broke me. And we fight.

Then 2016…watching results at a friend’s home with some buddies. That is when I realized that watching and participating in electoral politics is an opening to constantly experience collective trauma. We were all being traumatized at the same time though all of our reactions were different. A few days later I thought — we really need to acknowledge the fact that this experience was abusive. And we fight.

And the abuse has continued — for four years. Four years of being told my life, my friend’s lives, my family’s lives, my student’s lives aren’t shit. Isn’t worthy of an iota of protection or empathy. That my town is a shithole and heck, where my ancestors came from is a shithole too. And we fight.

Now we watch colluders and miscreants trying to cause more trauma during this election season.

But we don’t have time for heartbreak. We’ve never had time for heartbreak. And we fight.

That is what the process is — a fight. Always, every time. Show up how you must and in the way that best honors your spirit and your ancestors and keep up the fight.”